Tips to help tackle your New Year’s resolutions

Laughing+at+herself%2C+Lily+Draper+starts+a+list+of+New+Year%27s+resolutions.+

Laughing at herself, Lily Draper starts a list of New Year’s resolutions.

Elyse Perry, editor

We are back to the beginning of the year again. You know what that means! It’s time yet again to make some perfectly achievable goals that we will never follow through on. However, this year will be different; these goals will be met! In order to help you, here are some easy ways to fulfill your New Year’s Resolutions in 2021.

 

Work out

This is actually something you can do directly from home. In order to exercise this year, all you have to do is sit on the couch, stand up from the couch, walk to the fridge, open the door, shut the fridge, walk back to the couch, and repeat. It’s a full body workout! Also, there’s a bonus: while you’re at the fridge, you can grab yourself some protein-rich foods to build your growing “abs.”

 

Save money 

Really, saving money will do nothing for you in the long run. After all, the US currency is just paper and some cheap metal. It will be worthless after the Civil War 2.0 that seems to be on its way. However, if you actually want to save up for that PS5, just drop your friends. After all, those late-night runs to Dairy Queen add up in the long run. 

 

Lose weight

Don’t feel like working out? That’s okay – just donate some organs. After all, each one averages like ½ a pound. This way, you can lose that extra weight and feel good about supplying someone in need with a kidney. For those of you who are scared of surgery or are just attached to your organs, you can participate in a fad diet. Those always work. 

 

Diet

This one is easy. It is right there in the word: 

Don’t 

Impulsively 

Eat 

Twice an hour.

It’s as simple as that. 

 

Be happier

Mental health seems to be a growing issue in our nation’s teens, but there’s a simple trick to fix that. As stated by every parent ever, just don’t be sad. If you don’t let yourself be upset, then the only thing left should be happiness, right? 

 

Don’t get COVID

In order to not get COVID, quite simply become a hermit. Just remember, don’t leave your house; the outside world is a disease-ridden wasteland. The trick to this helpful hack is to stock up on canned food right before starting your social exile. That way, you never have to go to the grocery store until you get your vaccine. If you see no one, you can’t get sick.

 

Focus more on school

School is important, so learning how to focus on it is a necessity. In order to focus more on school, tap on your phone’s camera screen to put the school into the perfect lighting. Just a simple tap of your finger can take the school from a blurry background to a perfect subject for your photos.

 

Eat better

If your goal this year was to start eating better, you need to remember the rainbow. Your plate should always consist of every color of the rainbow. So stop eating brown chicken and potatoes and start eating rainbow sherbet. You can also bulk up on greens with green apple jello and Mountain Dew. If you’re still hungry after that, you can have a nice little dessert of tie-dye cake. 

 

New Year’s Resolutions always seem to be unreachable fantasies, but this year it will be different. After that horrendous 2020, we surely can only go up from here, right? So, don’t worry about reaching for the sky; this year, you only have to reach for the ceiling.