If you’ve been paying any attention at all to the presidential nominees for the 2016 election, you’re probably struggling with the decision of who you want to vote for. Not because there’s an overwhelming number of great candidates, but because they are all awful. Usually there’s at least one decent nominee from each party, but this year they’ve really outdone themselves with being spectacularly terrible.

The Obamunists, LIEbrals, and DemocRats

Hillary Clinton: The Pancake in a Pant Suit

The only thing Hillary does better than deleting her emails is change her opinion. She flips her views around more than iHop does their pancakes. Regardless of gender, we can’t have anyone in the White House who changes their opinions more often than they change their pant suits. Clinton is both unpredictable and unreliable. The only thing we can be certain of is that if Hillary’s dancing is any kind of indicator as to what her time in the White House would be like, America would suffer greatly under her reign.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppgk9Mj1n88 

Bernie Sanders: The Socialist Muppet

Bernie Sanders is one of the most honest politicians you’ll ever encounter, but honesty is not the best economic policy. America is supposed to be the land of the red, white and blue; but Bernie wants to put us in the red. As a self-declared socialist, much of Bernie’s appeal to voters has been in relation to his plans for free education and health care, but nothing in life is ever truly free. His popular campaign slogan “Feel the Bern,” should really be “Bern your paycheck.” If Bernie Sanders is elected president, Americans will pay for it dearly in the form of taxes; unless of course he dies before he has time to implementhim. How old is Bernie anyway, 107? A vote for Sanders might as well be a vote for his vice president, who has yet to be named. So if you’d like to add a little mystery to the presidential election, vote for Bernie! But while you’re waiting for his VP to be announced, listen to this song Bernie recorded in 1987. He really should have stayed in the music business.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iV4L_OHGpyo 

Vermin Supreme: The Best Democratic Nominee

In my humble opinion, Vermin Supreme is the best democratic option by far. His zombie preparedness plan is one of the most progressive proposals we’ve seen from a presidential nominee in ages, and who doesn’t want a free pony?! “For too long this country has been suffering a great moral and oral decay in spirit and incisors,” and Vermin Love Supreme plans to do something about it. There is at least one part of Supreme’s campaign that everyone can get behind and that is his plan to go back in time and eliminate one of the worst villains in the history of the world, baby Hitler. For more information on Vermin’s platform (or just a good laugh), check out the video below. And remember “A vote for Vermin Supreme is a vote completely thrown away.”

The ReThugLicans

John Kasich: The Guy That No One’s Ever Heard Of

Does anyone actually know who this guy is? I mean, he may actually be highly qualified. Look at his posture. He has very nice posture, but seriously I have never heard of him and, like most other American voters, I can’t be troubled to do any research; so until the media starts covering him, I’ll just disregard his existence.

Ben Carson: The Sleep Deprived Brain Surgeon

I know a lot of the people watching the Republican debates start to get a little tired, but until Ben Carson, I have never seen anyone participating in a debate that looks like they’re about to fall asleep. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t get many questions. His delivery is so weak that many don’t even seriously consider his opinions. The only thing that could make his presence at the debate worse was if he started to drool or snore. On the bright side, at least most of the public knows who he is. Not because of his platform, but because the Internet loves to make fun of him. Below is his hit single “Every Mouse has a Weenie.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_avnghVnoM 

Donald Trump: The Racist Billion Dollar Hairpiece

I don’t even know where to start with this guy. I could literally make fun of every aspect of his campaign and his life other than his knowledge in economics and skill in business. Trump says whatever he needs to say to stay front and center in the media. He has truly become a master of media and manipulation. He is a walking insult to our country and the amount of support he has gathered from the public is astounding to me. Blatant racist and sexist remarks make him go up in the polls. I’m not sure if he’s bribing his supporters or brainwashing them, but those are the only explanations that make sense to me unless of course the American public has become more ignorant than I ever thought possible.

I know five year olds that I would trust more with our nation’s nuclear missiles and foreign policy. You can’t just build a wall and make everyone else pay for it. The rest of us aren’t billionaires that need loud mouths and terrible hair to cover up our lack of a brain. If you want a wall so bad, move to China and take your followers with you. America could use a purge of ignorance.

(He doesn’t get a video, he’s already had too much media coverage)

Marco Repetitive Marco Rubio

The biggest problem with Marco Rubio is that there is a slight possibility he’s actually a cyborg that’s beginning to short circuit. The only evidence we have to disprove this theory is that were he actually a cyborg, his creators would have made him taller. Throughout history, the taller candidate won 80% of all elections. Because of this statistic, Rubio’s campaign managers have recommended he wear heels. Many fashion magazines have praised him for his unique choice in footwear, but the candidates mock him for both his lack of height and lack of attendance in the Senate. It’s possible that if Rubio was elected president, he wouldn’t even show up to his own inauguration.

To see Rubio’s brain malfunction, check out this video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SdY-t4MRqxw

Ted Crude: The Guy Who May Actually Be a Canadian

The biggest problem with Ted Cruz isn’t that he looks like a creepy wax figurine (even though he does), it’s that he may not even be qualified to run for president. There is a slight possibility that his participation in the race is actually unconstitutional. Cruz is currently facing a lawsuit that will officially determine once and for all whether he is actually eligible, but even if he is eligible he is still a terrible candidate on the grounds that his solution to every problem is to bomb it into oblivion. Cruz fails to mention that the amount of civilian casualties if his strategies were implemented would be astronomical. Though some may consider the lawsuit against him a joke, Cruz’s campaign is the only thing worth laughing at.