Get ready for your social media to be over run by pictures of happy couples and despicably cute relationships. Valentine’s Day is nearly here and chances are you’re probably single. I know this because if you were in a relationship, you probably would not be reading this article. You’d be doing some disgusting coupley thing that’d make me want to vomit. Fortunately, that is not the case. Unfortunately, Valentine’s Day is still a holiday, which means a whole day of barf worthy moments for me and every other single person to endure. It should really be illegal. It’s an entire holiday that discriminates against singles. Doesn’t the Constitution say something about how we’re all in this together? Never mind, that’s actually High School Musical, but I still maintain that Valentine’s Day is in some way unconstitutional. Anyway that’s beside the point. As a single life pro, I’m supposed to be advising you on how to go through this ridiculous holiday with your heart intact. I’m not sure that that’s possible, but below you will find a list that might help.

1. Make your dinner reservations: Taco Bell for one. Nothing distracts you from the pain of being single on Valentine’s Day like Taco Bell and the indigestion you’ll probably get afterwards.
2.  Don’t spend the night alone, adopt a cat. If you already have one, that’s okay. Cats are like potato chips, you’re meant to have at least a few. Plus cats are good for single people, so maybe you should just go ahead and get ten.
3. See how much ice-cream it takes to numb a broken heart. You don’t have anyone to impress anyway, so you might as well just go to town. Start a new relationship with Ben and Jerry.
4. Become your own walking Public Service Announcement. Very few people know the real reason for St. Valentine’s Day. Make someone else’s date night extra romantic by sharing the gruesome story of St. Valentine’s beheading in great detail.
5. Avoid the Hallmark Channel. It will just make things worse. Trust me.
6. Find a picture of the cutest couple you know and then creatively destroy it. Or you could always, I don’t know, burn them in effigy.
7. Take a page from Leslie Knope’s book and celebrate Brolentine’s or Galentine’s Day instead with all your single friends of the same gender and pretend that it’s not just as sad as sitting at home with the cat you adopted earlier.
8. Text a random number and say “He’s cheating on you.” Just see where it goes from there. Spread the misery.
9. If you’re a girl, send yourself some flowers and have the card signed by “A Secret Admirer.” Suddenly your life will seem more interesting than anyone else’s, single or not. Also, flowers are cool and they smell nice, so there’s that.

10. Call the Rejection Hotline to speak with a Comfort Specialist or hear a sad poem by a kindred spirit. (212)-479-7990

    

    11. Because it’s Valentine’s Day, many stores will begin marking down all their leftover Valentine’s Day candy. Use all the money that you saved by being single to buy various sweets. Then eat them all in the parking lot.

    

    12. Want a real relationship experience or maybe just to show up an ex? Visit rentafriend.com to find a date that you can pay for. They are highly unlikely to dump you, unless of course you give them the check before the date is over. Who says money can’t buy love?

    

    13. Make a list of all the reasons that you’re single and then allow your friends and family members to add things to it and post it on the internet. People love laughing at other’s pain; so even though you’ll still be single, you might get some new followers on Instagram and Twitter.

    

    14. Join the convent or a monastery. If you ask nicely, I bet they’ll let you bring your cats.