On January 1, 2017, the world as a whole looked back and simultaneously exhaled, “What the heck just happened?” 2016 was a strange year that knocked most of us on our butts. As we reflected on the year, the highlights were few and far between. It was the year of death, devastation, and dabbing.  

January:

The year pretty much started out on the wrong note to begin with when we lost legendary singer-songwriter David Bowie ten days in. Harry Potter fans grieved the loss of their dear Severus Snape as well when he passed on the 14th. On the bright side, El Chapo escaped from prison and everyone was getting a disease from making out with mosquitos. Oh, and after thirty years of being frozen in ice, a water bear was brought back to life melted by global warming.  After hearing “daaaaaaammn Daniel” one too many times, it found the nearest Dip n’ Dots cart and returned to his frozen state.

February. . .

. . .first introduced the now infamous dance move known as the dab. America rode the trend long enough for it to become an automatic response to an oncoming sneeze. The well-known American novelist that brought racial enlightenment to every ninth grade student across the nation, Harper Lee, passed away on the 19th. Amidst the tension of a divisive election year, we were all called to be more socially just and remember that it is a sin to kill a mockingbird.  On the 28th, celebrities put on their best dress and hit the red carpet for the Oscars. Award after award was handed out, but then everyone stood in ovation when Leonardo DiCaprio finally, after years of waiting, took home his prized Oscar for Best Actor for his film The Revenant. DiCaprio was seen the next day at brunch with pancakes for him and an omelet for the Oscar, seated across the table.  It is reported that DiCaprio was showing Oscar Bernie vs. Hilary jokes he found on Twitter, but we later learned our source was fake, cultivated by writers from The Blaze.  

March. . .

. . . 3rd brought the legendary debate where then Republican candidate Donald Trump announced to the world his glove size.  In sorrow for our nation, Nancy Reagan took her last breath. Despite the tragic loss of our third favorite first lady (behind Michelle and Martha), the Super Bowl still carried on, with Queen B entertaining the halftime troopers who didn’t get up to go to the concession stand.  She performed a number that symbolized the Black Lives Matter movement with costumes that resembled the Black Panthers and choreography that recognized MLK’s efforts. Angered a world away, terrorists attacked an airport in Brussels.  Press later released an apology statement from the attackers, stating, “We apologize for the misunderstanding.  We were under the impression we were fusillading the widely hated vegetable, doing good to the world.” SB2K16 washed all our worries away, despite the devastating series of events that was 2016 so far (keep in mind this is only month 3 ((out of 12))).

April. . .

. . .left us princeless. No really, Prince DIED. The extravagant singer-songwriter died on the 21st. His fame was derived from his appearance on New Girl in Season 3 Episode 14, I believe. Twitter users became experts in photoshop overnight after Drake dropped his album, Views. Now, you can see a miniature Drake sitting just about anywhere ranging from on top of Trump Tower to the gaping mouths of a fellow celebrity.

In May . . .

. . . the youth of the world discovered the fine art of bottle flipping. Indiana registered voters flipped two sided bottles to decide which way they would cast their vote in the primaries on the 3rd. Trump and Bernie took the W for the Hoosier state.  Obsessed with the double twisty 360 their plastic waste performed, teens everywhere took 372 snapchat vid attempts before the bottle flip was successful and  #storyworthy. The euphoric stretch of time was short-lived before the death of Harambe shook the nation.  The 17 year old gorilla from the Cincinnati Zoo left a gaping hole in our hearts.  To kick us while we’re down, every 15 minutes students from Delphi Community High School were killed by a drunk driver.  

June

All the butterflies quit a ‘floating and the bees quit a ‘stinging when boxing lost one of its greats, Muhammad Ali, on the 3rd. The 6th brought what the world thought would be the most irresponsible, impractical, xenophobic political decision possible this year: Brexit. The global economic crisis was quickly overlooked because on the 17th, nostalgia overbeared the hearts of all ‘90s and ‘00s kids when the premiere of the long-awaited Finding Dory came to theaters. In all honesty, more adults than children filled the theater sitting criss-cross applesauce. As they gawked at their childhood fading in front of them, the extra butter popcorn forced a cheat day.  Wasn’t yesterday a cheat day?

July . . .

. . . 6th, as in any serious world- impacting break-up, North Korea cut its final communication pathway with the U.S. by dropping by the box of button up sweaters, baseball caps, and freedom of press that the U.S. left there. America rebounded by taking two Wimbledon titles as Andy Murray and Serena Williams each raised the plate. Teens around the world ran out of data as the Pokemon Go trend caught wind.  When your parents make you pay for your overused data and medical bills for walking out in traffic while intently trying to catch ‘em all:

August . . .

. . . kicked off this year’s summer Olympics in Rio where Simone Biles become one of the most dominant women gymnasts in the world scoring the 2016 individual all-around and gold for floor and vault―one of the youngest to do so.  Of the 87 countries awarded medals for their respective sports at the Rio Summer Olympics, Rio did not receive one for sanitation.  Katie Ledecky, an Olympic swimmer, also scored big in Rio.  At only 19, Ledecky broke a world record and brought home four gold medals for the U.S.  Vice President Joe Biden and President Barack Obama were seen at the Olympics, holding hands, jumping up and down for their blessed country.  Memes flooded all of social media about our dear V and P’s bromance. Don’t lie to yourself, we all ship Barack and Joe. In other news, Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory has officially become Charlie’s with the passing of the dear chocolatier on the 28th. Maybe our children will be the next in line for the Golden ticket . . .

September . . .

. . . began with the explosion of Dakota Access Pipeline protesters. After a neighborhood poll revealed locals didn’t want the pipe to tear up their gardens or contaminate drinking water, they moved the pipeline plans to go through an Indian Reserve and ancient burial ground.  To distract the nation from this obviously horrifying stunt, the representatives from each state were directed by their donors to wear scary clown masks and terrorize the people in their regions. Arnold Palmer died on the 25th, due to an unfortunate unmasking of Ted Cruz, who was revealed as the zodiac killer.

November

was the month of emotional extreme ups and downs. It brought one of the only two good things that happened this year: the Chicago Cubs won the World Series for the first time since 1908! The entire Midwest (with the exception of Cleveland), for a moment, forgot how crappy it is to live in the Midwest.  On November 6th, the people of the United States of America crawled out of their holes to cast their votes on who would be the chief of our nation: an untrustworthy politician or an ignorant businessman. When 49% of registered voters didn’t turn out, America’s Democracy was declared dead.  Trump defeated Clinton (who blew a projected 3-1 lead). To wrap up the month in a big bow, Fidel Castro died.  Nothing could kill him, but 2016 did.

In December,

enthusiasts lined up at the doors of theaters across the globe to catch the newly released Rogue One: A Star Wars Story. Not long after the movie’s release, Star Wars icon, Carrie Fisher, a.k.a Princess Leia, passed away. Fans were devastated by the loss, but even more so when Carrie’s mother, actress Debbie Reynolds, a.k.a Grandma Aggie, died only one day later.  

In conclusion. . . Leo can sum it up for us.

* Nothing happened in October

** Except that Bob Dylan won a Nobel Prize for literature

*** Because he didn’t appear to pick it up, Ryan Seacrest set it on his door step, but it blew away in the wind before he got home from the #NotMyPresident Protest.

**** I guess that’s cool