How to get the perfect spring break body


Katlyn Sherinian

Spring break is coming around the corner. The increase in temperature has a direct correlation to the decrease in clothing. I picked up that tidbit of information in Algebra class—thanks Mr. Painter. Showing more skin to the world can make people self conscious for having human bodies and not Barbie bodies. Lucky for you, I will provide 5 simple steps to getting the ¨perfect¨ Spring Break body.


Step One: Eat whenever you see food.


All those bogus health websites like webMD do not know what they are talking about. Trust me I have watched two youtube videos on the subject, so I am an expert in the field. Counting calories does not allow you the energy you need to binge watch Friends all weekend. It is clinically proven that when you gorge yourself on junk food, you lose weight. Evidently, the stress from the realization that you have eaten enough to induce a sugar coma actually melts off the pounds.


Step 2:  Sleep instead of running


While this may seem counterintuitive, sleeping actually burns 63 calories per hour. Running may seem like a great idea to get in shape but, hey, a circle is a shape. In reality running is a death trap. It lulls you in with its promise of a better life, then as soon as your heart rate increases it casts a magic spell that makes you feel like an eighty year old man. Sleeping has always been at your side. Bored? Sleep. Tired? Sleep. Sad? Sleep. Dreading your existence? Sleep. Sleeping can solve all your issues this Spring Break.


Step 3:  Get tan from blue light


On Instagram everyone has sun kissed skin that is a result of a great vacation. Sadly most of us are stuck in Indiana. A great way to get that natural tan is to spend every second you can staring at a screen. The blue light will give you the perfect complexion. This solution is affordable and realistic because let’s be honest if we are going to spend our entire break online we might as well trick people into thinking we went outside.


Step 4:  Cry to get the perfect body


Are you staring at your scale trying to drop off those stubborn pounds? My life hack is to simply cry. Your body is 70% water; therefore, if you are constantly crying then those pounds will disappear. Another bonus to crying all the time is always having a moisturized face. Tears can replace your daily moisturizer.  


Step 5:  Watch funny cat videos


Let’s be honest we all want to have a six pack without all the effort. After years of researching I have found a fool proof plan. Watch funny cat videos to tone your abs. Those cute cuddly creatures chasing the laser can warm your heart as well as define those abs.


Those are my 5 steps to getting the perfect spring break body. Crying and stress eating have always been my go-to solutions to escape any slightly difficult work. I now pass my incredibly useful knowledge on to you.