Bottle Warfare

They are among us. By among us, I mean they outnumber us by thousands. They are everywhere. By everywhere, I mean stores and schools and homes. They are mysterious. By mysterious, I mean no one knows the reasoning behind why they are the way they are. They are bottles. By bottles, I mean the evil plastic that comes in all shapes and sizes.

You know the setting, the everyday lunch room. You know the vibe, the noise, the smells, and the sights. But what you most certainly never noticed before was the plethora of designs—that the bottles of the Wat-Ahh almost bear no resemblance to the bottles of the Culligan water or Gatorade. Why are they like this?

The sensible answer is it’s the company’s brand. They want individuality. Coke and Pepsi are seeking the nirvana of the bottle world by trying to create the bottle to end all bottles. It’s bologna. I don’t buy it for a gosh darn second. I know that they make the bottles different sizes so that they can’t fit into the conventional cup holder. I know it. How? Because bottle makers is the devil.

Besides the physical shell of the bottle, what is up with the lids and holes on top? The Dasani bottles feature an outstanding miniature model of the Grand Canyon. How are you supposed to suck water out of a seemingly infinite hole of darkness? That being said, why do others have tiny little baby lids? The water doesn’t even come out! It really makes no sense.

You know, it’s 2013. People imagined flying cars and jet packs and aliens to have arrived by now. It’s the future, right? All of these things still seem far-fetched. But do you know what doesn’t seem far-fetched? Maybe having some bottles that make sense and are all the same size. I don’t know, I guess something that actually does make sense probably wouldn’t make sense! It’s just frustrating really. And you know who is to blame? The presidente de los Estados Unidas. THANKS, OBAMA.